Satire: The Mildly Disturbing Future of Youth Sports in America

A physician fed up with constantly treating sports-related injuries in children recently relayed his frustration in an op-ed in The New York Times. Ron J. Turker, a pediatric orthopedic surgeon, decried the intensity of youth sports today.

“[O]ur very young kids play harder, and for more hours, than ever before,” Dr. Turker wrote. “… As parents, we want what’s best for our kids but we’ve abdicated our parental rights and duties to the new societal norm. Youth sports have become big business.”

Assuming parents and coaches don’t heed Dr. Turker’s criticism, what might the future of youth sports and, say, youth sports summer camps look like? I had one idea …

Dear Parents,

We are thrilled that your young athletes are joining us here at Camp Run And Play this summer. Their one-week stay will be chock-full of every challenging and enriching activity a budding sports star could possibly imagine! Rest assured that although 98% of youngsters fail to secure college athletic scholarships, the thousands that you are paying in camp tuition for our professional training program will at least somewhat improve your son or daughter’s depressingly minuscule chances of being among the coveted two percent. Way to go, Mom and Dad!


NASA Selects Woman to Be First Breastfeeding Mother in Space

aliceastronaut-200x200I am proud and humbled to announce that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has selected me to be the first breastfeeding mother in space. I am excited for this opportunity to serve my country with both my mind and my mammary glands.

This June, I will join a crew of three highly trained and decorated astronauts on the inaugural flight of the Orion spacecraft on a three-week mission to the International Space Station (ISS.) Although I lack the academic and military credentials of my space-bound peers, NASA officials have assured me that my fifth-grade field trip to the Kennedy Space Center and my repeated viewings of the film Gravity have more than prepared me for the challenges of low-Earth orbit…   Read more on